i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
