I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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