just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
No subtext here. People are naked.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
