stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
