you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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