did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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