our cab driver is having phone sex.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
