If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
