I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i've created a new STD.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
