The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
