Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
