Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
