Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You smell like stripper and shame
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
My dick has a subreddit
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
