He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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