that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
