I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
there is glitter all over my balls
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