Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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