I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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