mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
