After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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