I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
