I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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