i just had sex bonerless
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
