How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
