its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
