it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
