There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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