Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
