girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize