My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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