Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
