wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
