I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
