my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
