I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
