Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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