You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
