the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
