I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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