Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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