There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
