There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize