I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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