my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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