Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
