I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
