But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
