i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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