if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
