Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
please don't ironically join a cult
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