Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
