I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
