Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
the liver wants what the liver wants
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
