at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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