She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize