We won't sleep together?
I wish I could teleport
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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