I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
