Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
