I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
