My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
