before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize