This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
