drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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