your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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