Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
